goodbye my energy drink, goodbye

i told myself a million times that it's over. i went to sleep thinking that tomorrow should be different. i woke up and took my bath, all the while repeating: no more, this feeling must end. i forgot about everything as i immersed myself in rush hour traffic going to work. and then still having that amnesia, i work for most of the day.

but then 9:40 comes and he goes in... lunch break at the pantry and he's there. all the promises of stilling my heart breaks in pieces. this happens every time, every single time.

i found out a few days ago that he's not married after all. well and good. i found out today that he and one of my close friends have been cyber-friends for about 2 weeks now. and yet nobody seems to mention anything to me. it's childish, and i know i shouldn't care. it's none of my business anyway.

but deep inside, i couldn't help but care. i don't know who invited who in the first place, and i don't want to judge my friend. what i also don't know is whether to feel jealous, or relieved, or pained - knowing that (in case if he was the one who invited my friend in that social network) he, like many other guys before him, have fallen for my beautiful friend. jealousy and pain is understandable, but relief?

i guess relief is the wrong word, but it is a popular theory that majority of guys would always go for "the looks". now i'm not saying my friend is ugly inside, in fact she's really wonderful inside and out. it's just that my ideal guy would not be attracted with "the looks", but rather with what's inside a woman. however, it seems that he's like the rest of them. he fills up the majority. and for that, i'm somewhat relieved because i have finally found a way to turn my feelings 'off'.

if the libran is relieved, then what's with the pain and jealousy? i'm jealous because in the back of my head, i wished that it was me. but it wasn't me, it was my friend. i'm jealous because i'm not beautiful. and maybe it's just me having trouble accepting who i am, but that's just so me. i'm insecure, and that's what makes me jealous.

pain - it's painful because i let it get too far. though i hate to admit it, i've already invested too much. it's something that i'm very adamant about. i kept saying that i don't want to waste my time investing on something that would not be profitable for me. but as a typical libran, i want ahead and disregarded my own rule. very good . it's simply painful because i was hurt. i am hurt. is it any wonder why i'm writing this entry?

i wish that i could say it's over. i wish that i could somehow be strong enough to turn the switch off. i wish that i could be healed by tomorrow. but only 1% of wishes come true.

tonight i'll go to sleep with thoughts that tomorrow would be different.

"if i squeeze my heart out like a sponge, would it turn dry as well? would you join the juices and suds that flow away from it? or would you remain, like the bacteria that proliferates the sponge?" - cesiaj.moi

self-preservation

he's married. that's the first thought that entered my mind when i saw a picture of a man, child and woman on a social networking site that i searched. he's married.

at first it didn't sink in. and then i was way above my senses. way above everything else. i don't know if it's pain, or i'm simply relieved that i have finally uncovered the mystery that was him.

many things happened today. many things to write about. today, i found his name. today, i met his wife and daughter. today, i was not able to work because i was busy conjuring a dream. today, i said goodbye to the feelings that i carried for more than a month. today, i decided to visit my blog and tell my story.

i do not know if i am sad. my thought processes is currently updating (which means systems are down at the moment, kindly get back later). all i know is there is this void, this emptiness. it's like i'm trying to recall the days, the hours that passed, and i'm starting to wonder why i began to like him in the first place. but still no pain came, and heartache is out of the question. a friend said it's not normal - i told her it was my defense mechanism to preserve me from hurting. maybe it is... or maybe, i just fantasized about something that's not real.

if it's not real, then i guess it's true what they say: it's really hard to believe, when you know that in the middle of it is a lie. if what i felt wasn't real, then what is? if what i felt wasn't real, then it must mean that i have been sleepwalking this past month. i haven't been awake at all. only now, when it's over. ###

elevator: falling for a stranger

and there he is again. my paranoia makes me think about ludicrous stuff lately. but then again, why should i complain? for the first time in ages, i'm inspired to work. imagine that?!

though i'm mostly daydreaming in my cubicle, it's a huge improvement. i never really liked to go to work, but because of him, i render 2 hours overtime every single day. ok so maybe the overtime is not purely because of him (i really need the extra pay), but still.

***

i heard his voice for the first time today. i've been stalking him for the past week and i hope he's dumb enough to not notice. it's like having a schoolgirl crush once more: me and my accomplice waiting for him to take the elevator on his way home. me and my accomplice riding the elevator with him and his friend. me, not even looking at him. me, hearing his voice for the first time. me listening to each and every word he said to his friend. me, laughing my ass off along the streets of the city with my accomplice, while walking with my new shoes which are extremely painful and almost killed my toes. me, addicted. me, in love?

no. it's a complication that i just can't take. who am i anyway? i don't think he even knows i exist. unless of course he already realized that there's a "love sick" fool following his every move whenever she gets the chance. oh God i hope not.

is he married? is he seeing anyone? is he gay? i don't have a clue. i don't know why i like him. maybe because i'm looking for a distraction from my boring life? maybe because i needed an oasis in the middle of my desert? maybe because i found the... one? stop it!

i can't. it just keeps on flowing. i've got a stranger lingering in my lips and i can't shake him off from my memory, vague as he is in there. this will pass. hopefully tomorrow. but that would be a devastation.

i can't deny the need for a heart jumpstart. my blood is pulsing with inspiration. my mind is clouded with thoughts of him. my senses are obsessed with his wholeness. my fingers are itching to keep on talking about him. my need is to know him and probably solve the mystery that has been plaguing me for days.

i need to breathe. but sometimes the cloudy skies can be so compelling, that i just forget what i'm breathing for. it's too early to predict anything. but before this schoolgirl crush gets out of hand, may i just whisper my wish to the heavens?: i wish he likes me too. i wish he does something about it. ###

"i kept shouting an unknown name in my mind; it grew so often that i almost tasted his flavor; it became malignant and swallowed me whole; bottomline, i became a shadow once again." - cesiaj.moi

don't let me go

reality bites hard and it's painful. i thought i've grown used to it, but sometimes it feels like a million blocks of rubick's dropped from the sky straight to my head. no complaints though, for complaints are for normal humans. needless to say that i'm not.

death to hopelessness! do away with desolation! kill the anti-life! my courage will win in the end, they'll see. we'll see.

un-sober as usual, i'm stuck yet again with nothing to say but random ranting of a libran lunatic. aaahhh.. but here's one though: there is this guy. i only get to look at him via my peripheral vision. i only get to see him for about 20-40 minutes a day, only during weekdays, and not even today, which made me a little sad.

it's quite funny, because i've had this sort of crush on him for more than 2 weeks now, and he's just on the other side of the office floor, but i do not know his name. as luck would have it, we don't have any friends in common as well.

here i go again. be still, my heart. you don't even know what kind of man he is. i wish i could stop feeling these complicated feelings, because they're totally uselesss. all they do is ransack my already addled brain, causing me to stop working and start daydreaming. bad bad bad.

get your head in the game and stop this nonsense at once, my mind shouts. it's been a long time since you were inspired like this, just sit and enjoy the ride, says my soul. if you were me, to whom would you listen to? ###

"sound can only be as loud as the ear can hear, heart can only beat as fast as senses run." - cesiaj.moi

one morning with a nice warm cup of booze

friday dawned and i'm late for work as usual. like most fridays, i felt happy again. but last friday, i was marginally happier than i was on a regular friday shift. there's something else to look forward to.

friday night found me at the mall, strolling and killing time. my bag is packed and i'm so ready to go... go back to the place where my life began.

the weekend passed by in a blur. it was rainy all throughout, but the gloom that settled around the city of pines only reminded me of bliss. it was a time for a delicious cup of booze, and a bundle of stories in between. every second counted once again. and the world was filled with nothing but joy.

so far, so good. and then it was over. back to the real world, and i found myself being pushed away into the dark monstrous sea of "home" again. it's sad to go, but as i've said time and again, this is my choice.

what would i give for that one wasted moment in my life, where i knew that i lived again. how much do i have to pay to come back to that place and breath freely for just one more time.

the price of comfort is becoming burdensome. i just hope i learn how to get past it. i just hope i could find my sanctuary here. ###

i love ΠΣΔ . STRIKE!

fascinated

i'm a clown for being nostalgic. but that's the way i am. tried to keep moving from one moment to the next, but still stuck with a vivid memory of some distant past i just can't forego.

the careless laughters, the truthfulness behind each smile. the sincerity of every action. the youthful hope for tomorrow, may it be bright or not. it was all there. there in that not so distant past that i've been trying to let go.

the bitterweet feeling of remembering the glorious days is sickening. but the choice was mine to make in the first place. i chose to remember. i chose not to move on. because moving on would mean growing old. and growing old would lead to a personal death that i'm not yet willing to succumb to.

i chose to suffer to continue the spark that was passed onto me by people before me. people who had in their turn, experienced that same distant past.

the flame of hope remains as long as there are those of us who remember. it may not be as shining as the shining of the darkest shadows of despair, but it's a start. always a start. no tomorrow will be lost as long as the flame of hope remains. no youth will be wasted. no life will be taken for granted. #

"the loudest sound that a loner could hear is silence." - cesiaj.moi

shit happens now

this once, disregard the date of posting. internet connection gone bad these past few days, but it's been fixed. life goes on.

8 june 2009 (monday), 2351hrs

first off, my internet connection’s busted. i barely have enough money left in my wallet, and when i tried to compute my budget for the days to come, all i have ever accomplished is to get myself a very excruciating headache. i’m tired from work and i’m tired of all the extra-curriculars that i’ve been doing lately. These are the days that i feel like the world has turned into one stinking shit, with me drowning in it.

so when will this end? nobody knows. nobody cares. all i know now is that my sleepy mind’s taking over my frustrated senses, and that i need to hit the sack sooner than later. tomorrow’s a new day. i’ll be the same jaded person. the world will still be filled with shit. #

“what’s the sense of making sense of your situation, when you’re so determined to remain as you are?” – cesiaj.moi 

so where was i?

nobody knows the struggle that i constantly have with myself regarding writing. fresh ideas invade my senses everyday: on my way to and from the office. just when i'm about to sleep. during office hours. whenever i'm in the comfort room. all those inconvenient times that i don't have a pen and paper with me. etc. and just when i'm about to discover that flighty writer's hand, my forgetful mind snatches it away again, and nothingness takes its place.

not that i consider myself a writer. writing is not my dream job. but there are just some things that happen in my day to day life that cuts my boring routine and compels me to pick up a pen and... alas! those sudden happenings come and go as fast as lightning, and by the time i find the courage to put it all on paper (or any writing material available within my reach), the inspiration is already lost.

i have had too many topics that wanted to let themselves out of me, but as i've said, everything has been thrown off to the winds of the past. i just hate this feeling of writing about nothing and unnecessarily lengthening it to ramblings and raves of a paranoid libran when it could have been something worth reading and sharing. 

bob ong was right. he said that when you finally decide to write something seriously, everything else must be forgotten. sleep, baths, room cleaning, texting, and occasional food trips ruin the momentum so they must be ignored. it's a difficult path to take, that's why writing is considered a road less travelled. it is certainly easier to speak out your thoughts than write them. however, in writing, you get to edit your line. words that have been spoken on the other hand can never be taken back. 

where oh where was my inspiration when i needed it? oh where, oh where can it be? if anybody finds it, please please please return it to me. # 

confessions of a pirate

so i make use of torrents without really knowing what they are. so i download music and video clips and movies and games without paying for them. so i'm getting quite a kick out of doing all of these things because they're abolutely free!... and illegal. so i'm an internet pirate, or whatever it is they call people like me. so what?

it started out back in college, when we all wanted to get a copy of this award-winning indie film we saw during one of our class movie presentations. i'm no professional, but i had the gadget. so we did it, we somehow borrowed an original VCD and copied it. over and over until all my friends have one copy each. we didn't start a business with it though (we just honestly couldn't find original copies in the market when we wanted to buy one), so i guess it's just petty compared to those big underground organizations doing piracy. i didn't get hooked though, 'coz it costs much time, effort, and electricity. however, i didn't come out entirely clean. i started buying (and collecting) pirated VCDs and DVDs instead. 

i'm not going to apologize for my actions. as i have said, i enjoy it, and it's the only crime i could get away with, 'coz so many others are doing it and patronizing piracy that authorities could find no way of stopping the culprits. to those who don't know yet, please note that any type of piracy IS stealing, and if you could avoid it, please do. why i'm writing this now you ask? because i'm frustrated. i have been spending too much time downloading the full version of a certain game i so want to play for a couple of days now, but the application does not work. there goes karma.

to be fair, i buy as much originals as i buy fakes. still, it's true what they say: the best things in life are (often) unlawful. ###  

 

 

first love

Meaningful moments that

take the place of sorrows,

ebbing away to emptiness;

beauty finally realized.

it's that heart within him

that satisfies this soul.

being my being like rhyme

against everything that

rhymes in my eternity. his

powerful emotion mAde it

possible to annihilate a 

tragic notion. inhibited

feeling, it's an unjust art

of hurting oneself until

pain does not feel like it

feels anymore. try always

to play fair even if life's 

not. few questions alOng a

long line of others, singe,

and everything goes hazy.

at long last he is found. lO!

~HE~

01dec04

first love is not meant to be forgotten. not all love stories may have happy endings, but a person who takes a chance at love should not regret it's outcome. i made this poem so i would never forget my first, unrequited love. therein lies his very name. he never knew. he would never find out.

i prayed to the Almighty one day to erase the feeling if he was not the guy made for me. i can no longer bear the pain at that moment. the following morning came and i woke up, still remembering him, but as one particular song goes, "i don't remember the feeling anymore." it was quite amazing, it felt like my heartbeats and heartaches during the past months never happened.

but they did happen. the time i made the poem was probably the last time i felt that strong emotion for him. the next thing i knew, the feeling was gone. the poem remained. something to keep until i meet the person who's destiny is to be with me. in fact, i think it is something to keep for life. 

for me, cherishing the memories of first love is significant, for the simple reason that he/she was the first - the first person that made you toss and turn in bed at night; the first person that made you dress a little more decent than you did during ordinary days; the first person that made it possible for you to dream with eyes wide open; the first person that made your heart twitch (literally); and probably the first person that made you realize that 'crying buckets of tears' was not an idiomatic expression after all, because you were able to produce them.

when the time comes that i grow senile, or suddenly have an amnesia attack, the puzzle will help me remember. i should probably make one for my true love as well, but since i've never met him yet, i won't waste too much time composing one right now. 

for you, first love, cheers! no one will ever take your place in my past. but the place you once held in my heart is now empty. ### 

    

the very very loooong road home

just got home and i'm very tired. i've dreamt of the sanctuary that is called my bedroom all day long, and i can almost taste it while i was on my way home awhile ago. work was dreadful as usual. dragging myself out of bed this morning was worse. knowing what was waiting for me in the office and yet not having the courage to get out of my situation was possibly the very worst part in this scenario.

 

don't get me wrong, i may be in one of the best jobs on earth... for a mediocre. especially now that the whole world is scared off of their mighty seats because of this thing they call "recession", anybody who's got enough bread to feed their family should be considered lucky. i am lucky. and sometimes i feel like shit for even thinking otherwise.

it's just that... i'm not happy where i am right now. i have a job that pays just right (when the salary should have been bigger in the first place), i have real friends (whom i rarely see because of my busy schedule - caused by my underpaid job), and i'm single (what the f***k am i saying?). so all of this should add up to a happy life, right?

wrong. i'm human, you see. part of human nature is discontent, or (as euphemism) the never-ending battle to prove one's worth. people always say that it's a huge world out there. and now everybody's joining the rat race to the finish line, in the hopes of discovering how big the world really is. only a few are aware of the word, "enough" - everybody else is too busy with the cutthroat competition they are currently engaged in. i'm one of those people. and i may hate myself for it, but it's not that easy to quit, jump out of the bandwagon, and forget everything else. 

let's go back to the real world: there are bills to pay and mouths to feed. there are needs and wants and more. there are shopping malls and grocery stores and hotels and vacation spots and a variety of paradise... and they all require money in order for them to accommodate me. there's work and work and more work. and then there's the good ol' bed waiting for my return. i can't recall how many times i have wished for this boring routine to stop. i don't even remember the time when i was really happy. i just feel so jaded right now.. so dizzy.. and of course, alone. again. naturally. ###

    

"in search of happiness, everyone's making themselves miserable." - cesiaj.moi       

     

prologue

i have not written anything for quite a while. i don't know if i can still write anything useful. this blog was opened because i want to start writing again. nothing worthy of reading perhaps, just something to start off with.

i have not finished one single story in my entire life. come to think of it, i'm not good at starting stories in their glorious beginnings either. i always start in the middle. like now.

no sense i know, but i'm working my way up to it. i just needed a space to breathe out every angst i feel against this fucked-up world. the place i'm in right now is draining me of my talent, my worth, my creativity, my sense of self.

i feel like i'm drowning. it's dark and cold, but i've grown used to it. there's no more pain - because there's no more feeling.

what a way to start a blog. ###