goodbye my energy drink, goodbye

i told myself a million times that it's over. i went to sleep thinking that tomorrow should be different. i woke up and took my bath, all the while repeating: no more, this feeling must end. i forgot about everything as i immersed myself in rush hour traffic going to work. and then still having that amnesia, i work for most of the day.

but then 9:40 comes and he goes in... lunch break at the pantry and he's there. all the promises of stilling my heart breaks in pieces. this happens every time, every single time.

i found out a few days ago that he's not married after all. well and good. i found out today that he and one of my close friends have been cyber-friends for about 2 weeks now. and yet nobody seems to mention anything to me. it's childish, and i know i shouldn't care. it's none of my business anyway.

but deep inside, i couldn't help but care. i don't know who invited who in the first place, and i don't want to judge my friend. what i also don't know is whether to feel jealous, or relieved, or pained - knowing that (in case if he was the one who invited my friend in that social network) he, like many other guys before him, have fallen for my beautiful friend. jealousy and pain is understandable, but relief?

i guess relief is the wrong word, but it is a popular theory that majority of guys would always go for "the looks". now i'm not saying my friend is ugly inside, in fact she's really wonderful inside and out. it's just that my ideal guy would not be attracted with "the looks", but rather with what's inside a woman. however, it seems that he's like the rest of them. he fills up the majority. and for that, i'm somewhat relieved because i have finally found a way to turn my feelings 'off'.

if the libran is relieved, then what's with the pain and jealousy? i'm jealous because in the back of my head, i wished that it was me. but it wasn't me, it was my friend. i'm jealous because i'm not beautiful. and maybe it's just me having trouble accepting who i am, but that's just so me. i'm insecure, and that's what makes me jealous.

pain - it's painful because i let it get too far. though i hate to admit it, i've already invested too much. it's something that i'm very adamant about. i kept saying that i don't want to waste my time investing on something that would not be profitable for me. but as a typical libran, i want ahead and disregarded my own rule. very good . it's simply painful because i was hurt. i am hurt. is it any wonder why i'm writing this entry?

i wish that i could say it's over. i wish that i could somehow be strong enough to turn the switch off. i wish that i could be healed by tomorrow. but only 1% of wishes come true.

tonight i'll go to sleep with thoughts that tomorrow would be different.

"if i squeeze my heart out like a sponge, would it turn dry as well? would you join the juices and suds that flow away from it? or would you remain, like the bacteria that proliferates the sponge?" - cesiaj.moi