bleeding caffeine

must. stay. awake..

i'm not feeling too good a the moment. my heart is beating so fast yet my mind is drifting amongst the clouds. that's what a triple shot espresso does to the senses. oh yeah, and my stomach's having caffeine intolerance at the moment. yup. number 2 on the way, hope i reach home before that happens.


my goal is to roll~

just signed up for aikido classes and my body's aching all over. and i still don't have my gi. and i don't know how to roll. and i can't remember the warm up exercises, let alone those 5 basic steps! upset upset upset. but i'll come back. i'll practice. i promise.


what's written in the stars?

so it turns out i'm no longer a libran. shit. with that serpent holder called pikachu or whatever messing up outer space, i'm not sure what to believe in anymore. not that it matters much anyway. the stars can only go as far as the sky stretches across the earth's horizon, so it'd be really stupid to lay your future on a bunch of celestial rocks drifting across the universe, right? for me, it's just frustrating coz i've been the unhinged libran for 3 years now, and i don't want to be a virgin lunatic just because the stars told me so. hell to the n-o!


 
where do we go from here?
 
so i thought i'd post another one of those ramblings i had back in the day. here it is.
 
How I wish I could go back to school
and bring back times I took for granted then
we all thought that time would never wane
But like the moon, it did
When sorrow takes over our day
We'll all be wishing life was over.
But then friends come to give consoling shoulders
And so make the sorrows worth our time too

I missed the moments when I still held my youth
And thought that moment would last forever
But forests age and so do people
there is no going back for wasted yesterdays
So came regrets and unfinished dreams
We all have to wake up to painful realities
and sometimes throw away those great ambitions

Larger than life portraits of ourselves are drawn
Other people may see the tapestry
but we cannot
For we are part of it.
We are part of time.
we often try as hard as possible to hold the moment
but the moment itself lets us go because it must move on
and we can't go to where it's going,
for we are destined to journey elsewhere

We in endless solitude will watch the moon
as it completes its cycle
But the moon will never be in the same position as before
As we are not designed to be in the same place forever

haay

02feb2008 1845 mla time

the days i thank the heavens for not granting me a driver's license

another late day at the office. for the past year, being tardy has become a habit. yes it's a bad one and no one should follow my lead, no matter how bored they are at work, but being a habit, it's just so hard to shake off.

dunno why i bought something to eat during my 30-minute break. i wasn't hungry, i have no intention of eating. heck, i wasn't even thinking about food. the next thing i knew, i have a plate of rice and binagoongan (pork cutlets sauteed in fish paste a.k.a. delicious-dish-no-matter-how strange-it-sounds-to-foreigners cuisine) in front of me, and I, in front of the office pantry's tv. began to watch a documentary about the issues regarding traffic, and how my country has been slowly advancing to the next level in terms of providing better transportation watch all over the metro. they boasted of some 60++ cctv cameras watching over those automobiles along with my fellow commuters. they crooned about the number of traffic rescue teams (around 6-15 units[?]) going over the city to assist in emergency situations and road accidents. they warned the public that there are eyes watching wrong doers & traffic violators everywhere.

but why is it not enough? why are there still accidents occuring at almost every blink of the traffic lights? why are there still a lot of drivers boldly beating the red light & cutting other vehicles? why are there still a lot of people proclaiming themselves, "king of the road"?

for someone who is always hopeful about the future of the country, it's painful to go outside and feast one's eyes on bumper to bumper traffic, and let one's ears be assailed by hundreds of honkers trying to get past each other. on days when i try to go to work early (mind you, you can count those days using 10 fingers and a foot), it's really frustrating to arrive at the office about a minute late, just because traffic got in the way. now where are those "watchful eyes" when you need them? is there still hope to wake up to for another day?

if only those CCTV cameras can zoom in close enough to watch the exchange of "kotong" money between corrupt traffic enforcers and abusive/ignorant/innocent drivers...

if only government-regulated transports are being properly utilized, come in large numbers, have wider coverage than mobile phone networks, and cheap (if not free).

if only transportation/traffic laws are implemented on a fair (vs. now: officer, i'm late for work and i'm a politician/lawyer/actor/really really rich guy, could you just let me pass this one time & by the way here's your lunch allowance kthnxbye) and consistent (vs. now: business days from 7am-8pm, city center only) basis...

if only the price of petroleum & other gasoline products are subsidized, or if only the government showed more support on that bio/hydro/solar-operated automobile inventions...

if only i can have that shiny black blingy car... ok scratch that, who am i kidding here?

well anyway, it's not bad to dream big dreams for one's nation right? if the other countries can do it, we can too right? if we all work together, nothing's impossible right?

if only. if only it were that easy.

the road to success is a bumpy one. my motherland's currently low on fuel and stuck in a pothole along that road. nevertheless, let's all enjoy the ride. better yet, why don't we try to be better drivers at least? - cesiaj ###

don't tell me you're working when you're not

scanning 'illegal' sites, writing blog posts... graveyard shift can be so boring, that one has to settle to the thrill of getting caught not doing anything. very original.

i bought some sick stuff today. a one-of-akind planner, entitled The "Puso Lang Yan, Malayo sa Bituka" Planner for 2011. it was soo cool I bought another one for a friend whom i think would make pretty good use of it. yup, she's lovesick. eww. :)
need matchsticks? yes please. 2. uhh, no, make that 3, so that there's a spare in case 1 gets broken. desperately need to open these drooping eyes!

where sleeping quarters become an oasis in the middle of this horrendous desert of a schedule; where super security pop-ups & web blockers become your worst enemies; where your colleagues gradually blend in your dreamworld as a unified buzzing sound similar to the noise created by mosquitos; where caffeine becomes your self-professed life saver; and your log-out time serves as the light at the end of a very loooooong & dark tunnel. that's gy. yes. gy.

spice girl: tell me what you want, what you really, really want. so tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
cesiaj: i wanna, i wanna, i wanna, i wannaaaaaaaa.... i wanna really, really, really wanna sleep-a-sleep ahhhh!


my humor's taken a turn for the 90's. it's probably a dream, or this dark mocha's got some serious side effects.


8 more minutes & it's break time. (though i did get an unscheduled break a few hours ago hehe). gosh. 17 more shifts to go. crawling through the blankets already. slowly dying. waiting for the rising sun. ###

grab your head scream and shout

boredom. funny how my life could be summed up in one word. i'm now walking a zigzag line, & i don't know where my path is headed. no clue as to what i should do with the future, what I did with my past, and what i'm doing with my present.


the only way i can think of for a brighter tomorrow, is to retrace my steps and go back to square one. Oh, the agony of starting all over again! The pain of having so much time wasted on trivial pursuit, only to reach a dead end!


if it's the only way... if there's no other way. then it will be time to throw my destiny to the winds and hope to the mighty that something positive happens. ###

posted by Fritzes007. i'm totally addicted to old school rock n' roll these days.

my oh my, aren't we talkative today?

can anybody find me... somebody to love~ queen.



so came the time that moment's gone
one blink and someone says it's over
and all the things that came undone
will fade into the dark that hovers


a birth of one small spiny cell 
so different from the rest of slate
this quirk that made great tales to tell
had no longer woken or moved of late


there no more rhyme could cast it's score
and no more song to listen to
reason waned, the mind a senseless bore
no heart can be heard beating too


"wala lang. wala na."


No Sense, Nothing


20sep2008 1457 mla 


after some deep thinking, decided to publish them. one at a time. to hell with it. ###

dreams and reality - 130409

On the brink of unconsciousness I surrender every thought, every angst I feel. And for a moment there, I'm free.

In my nightmare, there's tons of work to do. In my nightmare, I'm alone. I walk alone and dance alone and cry alone and laugh alone until I know and can no longer admit that I'm not crazy. In my nightmare, there is light. too much light that I am blinded and thus cannot see it. There is food, but I am always hungry. I work so hard and still feel that I'm the most useless person on earth. But worst of all, in my nightmare, I'm awake.

070111 More than a year has passed yet I'm still dreaming bad dreams. When will it end? What to wish for when any moment, the monsters under the bed might come out and kill me?

from the bottom of my espresso cup and beyond the edges of my sanity

ahhh… my heart is falling once again. It’s funny how my heart always finds its way with strangers. eom hong shik. a stranger, stranger than me.

just a few hours ago i suddenly remembered, that i have not written anything decent in quite a loooong time. the poet is dead. i’m mourning.

getting dizzy… didn’t know espresso would have this effect on me. being on graveyard shift on the first month of the year is already tough. but what’s tougher is to hinder sleep time with a pretty interesting drama DVD. to sum it up, i’ve probably slept less than 10 hours for the past 5 days. so dizzy.

spending the past few hours of my sleepless life locked up in a lightless room, discoveries about self, about changes, about myself changing, are inevitable. i hate the person i'm turning out to be. and i'm afraid to be my own mortal enemy. the more i try to be a better person, the worse i behave. should i do it backwards then? should i now strive to be the worst person imaginable, so that i would have no disappointments in the future?

i can feel my brain whirring tiredly inside my sleep-deprived head, a quiet drumming around my neck that feels numb.

the habit of rereading previous writings have not yet disappeared. i keep telling myself that one should never regret anything that has been done, but rather to regret the things that one did not do. i do not regret saying back then that writing is not my passion, but i do regret abandoning myself, and not snatching a pen and paper when the writer inside urges me to do so. i regret my lazy bouts of tantrums, when i felt that the whole world has left me to drown in the shallowness of society. i regret the moments when i watched passively each good and bad thing happening around me, as if i was window shopping with the thought of never having to spend anything by the end of the day.

thanks to a certain person, i now learned the new meaning of regret. in this cruel world, awareness is the key to survival. destiny is the path that one should follow, and creating it should be one's moral goal.

now it's time to try to get some sleep. i'm at the office by the way. hehe ###