so where was i?

nobody knows the struggle that i constantly have with myself regarding writing. fresh ideas invade my senses everyday: on my way to and from the office. just when i'm about to sleep. during office hours. whenever i'm in the comfort room. all those inconvenient times that i don't have a pen and paper with me. etc. and just when i'm about to discover that flighty writer's hand, my forgetful mind snatches it away again, and nothingness takes its place.

not that i consider myself a writer. writing is not my dream job. but there are just some things that happen in my day to day life that cuts my boring routine and compels me to pick up a pen and... alas! those sudden happenings come and go as fast as lightning, and by the time i find the courage to put it all on paper (or any writing material available within my reach), the inspiration is already lost.

i have had too many topics that wanted to let themselves out of me, but as i've said, everything has been thrown off to the winds of the past. i just hate this feeling of writing about nothing and unnecessarily lengthening it to ramblings and raves of a paranoid libran when it could have been something worth reading and sharing. 

bob ong was right. he said that when you finally decide to write something seriously, everything else must be forgotten. sleep, baths, room cleaning, texting, and occasional food trips ruin the momentum so they must be ignored. it's a difficult path to take, that's why writing is considered a road less travelled. it is certainly easier to speak out your thoughts than write them. however, in writing, you get to edit your line. words that have been spoken on the other hand can never be taken back. 

where oh where was my inspiration when i needed it? oh where, oh where can it be? if anybody finds it, please please please return it to me. # 

confessions of a pirate

so i make use of torrents without really knowing what they are. so i download music and video clips and movies and games without paying for them. so i'm getting quite a kick out of doing all of these things because they're abolutely free!... and illegal. so i'm an internet pirate, or whatever it is they call people like me. so what?

it started out back in college, when we all wanted to get a copy of this award-winning indie film we saw during one of our class movie presentations. i'm no professional, but i had the gadget. so we did it, we somehow borrowed an original VCD and copied it. over and over until all my friends have one copy each. we didn't start a business with it though (we just honestly couldn't find original copies in the market when we wanted to buy one), so i guess it's just petty compared to those big underground organizations doing piracy. i didn't get hooked though, 'coz it costs much time, effort, and electricity. however, i didn't come out entirely clean. i started buying (and collecting) pirated VCDs and DVDs instead. 

i'm not going to apologize for my actions. as i have said, i enjoy it, and it's the only crime i could get away with, 'coz so many others are doing it and patronizing piracy that authorities could find no way of stopping the culprits. to those who don't know yet, please note that any type of piracy IS stealing, and if you could avoid it, please do. why i'm writing this now you ask? because i'm frustrated. i have been spending too much time downloading the full version of a certain game i so want to play for a couple of days now, but the application does not work. there goes karma.

to be fair, i buy as much originals as i buy fakes. still, it's true what they say: the best things in life are (often) unlawful. ###  

 

 

first love

Meaningful moments that

take the place of sorrows,

ebbing away to emptiness;

beauty finally realized.

it's that heart within him

that satisfies this soul.

being my being like rhyme

against everything that

rhymes in my eternity. his

powerful emotion mAde it

possible to annihilate a 

tragic notion. inhibited

feeling, it's an unjust art

of hurting oneself until

pain does not feel like it

feels anymore. try always

to play fair even if life's 

not. few questions alOng a

long line of others, singe,

and everything goes hazy.

at long last he is found. lO!

~HE~

01dec04

first love is not meant to be forgotten. not all love stories may have happy endings, but a person who takes a chance at love should not regret it's outcome. i made this poem so i would never forget my first, unrequited love. therein lies his very name. he never knew. he would never find out.

i prayed to the Almighty one day to erase the feeling if he was not the guy made for me. i can no longer bear the pain at that moment. the following morning came and i woke up, still remembering him, but as one particular song goes, "i don't remember the feeling anymore." it was quite amazing, it felt like my heartbeats and heartaches during the past months never happened.

but they did happen. the time i made the poem was probably the last time i felt that strong emotion for him. the next thing i knew, the feeling was gone. the poem remained. something to keep until i meet the person who's destiny is to be with me. in fact, i think it is something to keep for life. 

for me, cherishing the memories of first love is significant, for the simple reason that he/she was the first - the first person that made you toss and turn in bed at night; the first person that made you dress a little more decent than you did during ordinary days; the first person that made it possible for you to dream with eyes wide open; the first person that made your heart twitch (literally); and probably the first person that made you realize that 'crying buckets of tears' was not an idiomatic expression after all, because you were able to produce them.

when the time comes that i grow senile, or suddenly have an amnesia attack, the puzzle will help me remember. i should probably make one for my true love as well, but since i've never met him yet, i won't waste too much time composing one right now. 

for you, first love, cheers! no one will ever take your place in my past. but the place you once held in my heart is now empty. ### 

    

the very very loooong road home

just got home and i'm very tired. i've dreamt of the sanctuary that is called my bedroom all day long, and i can almost taste it while i was on my way home awhile ago. work was dreadful as usual. dragging myself out of bed this morning was worse. knowing what was waiting for me in the office and yet not having the courage to get out of my situation was possibly the very worst part in this scenario.

 

don't get me wrong, i may be in one of the best jobs on earth... for a mediocre. especially now that the whole world is scared off of their mighty seats because of this thing they call "recession", anybody who's got enough bread to feed their family should be considered lucky. i am lucky. and sometimes i feel like shit for even thinking otherwise.

it's just that... i'm not happy where i am right now. i have a job that pays just right (when the salary should have been bigger in the first place), i have real friends (whom i rarely see because of my busy schedule - caused by my underpaid job), and i'm single (what the f***k am i saying?). so all of this should add up to a happy life, right?

wrong. i'm human, you see. part of human nature is discontent, or (as euphemism) the never-ending battle to prove one's worth. people always say that it's a huge world out there. and now everybody's joining the rat race to the finish line, in the hopes of discovering how big the world really is. only a few are aware of the word, "enough" - everybody else is too busy with the cutthroat competition they are currently engaged in. i'm one of those people. and i may hate myself for it, but it's not that easy to quit, jump out of the bandwagon, and forget everything else. 

let's go back to the real world: there are bills to pay and mouths to feed. there are needs and wants and more. there are shopping malls and grocery stores and hotels and vacation spots and a variety of paradise... and they all require money in order for them to accommodate me. there's work and work and more work. and then there's the good ol' bed waiting for my return. i can't recall how many times i have wished for this boring routine to stop. i don't even remember the time when i was really happy. i just feel so jaded right now.. so dizzy.. and of course, alone. again. naturally. ###

    

"in search of happiness, everyone's making themselves miserable." - cesiaj.moi       

     

prologue

i have not written anything for quite a while. i don't know if i can still write anything useful. this blog was opened because i want to start writing again. nothing worthy of reading perhaps, just something to start off with.

i have not finished one single story in my entire life. come to think of it, i'm not good at starting stories in their glorious beginnings either. i always start in the middle. like now.

no sense i know, but i'm working my way up to it. i just needed a space to breathe out every angst i feel against this fucked-up world. the place i'm in right now is draining me of my talent, my worth, my creativity, my sense of self.

i feel like i'm drowning. it's dark and cold, but i've grown used to it. there's no more pain - because there's no more feeling.

what a way to start a blog. ###