self-preservation

he's married. that's the first thought that entered my mind when i saw a picture of a man, child and woman on a social networking site that i searched. he's married.

at first it didn't sink in. and then i was way above my senses. way above everything else. i don't know if it's pain, or i'm simply relieved that i have finally uncovered the mystery that was him.

many things happened today. many things to write about. today, i found his name. today, i met his wife and daughter. today, i was not able to work because i was busy conjuring a dream. today, i said goodbye to the feelings that i carried for more than a month. today, i decided to visit my blog and tell my story.

i do not know if i am sad. my thought processes is currently updating (which means systems are down at the moment, kindly get back later). all i know is there is this void, this emptiness. it's like i'm trying to recall the days, the hours that passed, and i'm starting to wonder why i began to like him in the first place. but still no pain came, and heartache is out of the question. a friend said it's not normal - i told her it was my defense mechanism to preserve me from hurting. maybe it is... or maybe, i just fantasized about something that's not real.

if it's not real, then i guess it's true what they say: it's really hard to believe, when you know that in the middle of it is a lie. if what i felt wasn't real, then what is? if what i felt wasn't real, then it must mean that i have been sleepwalking this past month. i haven't been awake at all. only now, when it's over. ###

elevator: falling for a stranger

and there he is again. my paranoia makes me think about ludicrous stuff lately. but then again, why should i complain? for the first time in ages, i'm inspired to work. imagine that?!

though i'm mostly daydreaming in my cubicle, it's a huge improvement. i never really liked to go to work, but because of him, i render 2 hours overtime every single day. ok so maybe the overtime is not purely because of him (i really need the extra pay), but still.

***

i heard his voice for the first time today. i've been stalking him for the past week and i hope he's dumb enough to not notice. it's like having a schoolgirl crush once more: me and my accomplice waiting for him to take the elevator on his way home. me and my accomplice riding the elevator with him and his friend. me, not even looking at him. me, hearing his voice for the first time. me listening to each and every word he said to his friend. me, laughing my ass off along the streets of the city with my accomplice, while walking with my new shoes which are extremely painful and almost killed my toes. me, addicted. me, in love?

no. it's a complication that i just can't take. who am i anyway? i don't think he even knows i exist. unless of course he already realized that there's a "love sick" fool following his every move whenever she gets the chance. oh God i hope not.

is he married? is he seeing anyone? is he gay? i don't have a clue. i don't know why i like him. maybe because i'm looking for a distraction from my boring life? maybe because i needed an oasis in the middle of my desert? maybe because i found the... one? stop it!

i can't. it just keeps on flowing. i've got a stranger lingering in my lips and i can't shake him off from my memory, vague as he is in there. this will pass. hopefully tomorrow. but that would be a devastation.

i can't deny the need for a heart jumpstart. my blood is pulsing with inspiration. my mind is clouded with thoughts of him. my senses are obsessed with his wholeness. my fingers are itching to keep on talking about him. my need is to know him and probably solve the mystery that has been plaguing me for days.

i need to breathe. but sometimes the cloudy skies can be so compelling, that i just forget what i'm breathing for. it's too early to predict anything. but before this schoolgirl crush gets out of hand, may i just whisper my wish to the heavens?: i wish he likes me too. i wish he does something about it. ###

"i kept shouting an unknown name in my mind; it grew so often that i almost tasted his flavor; it became malignant and swallowed me whole; bottomline, i became a shadow once again." - cesiaj.moi

don't let me go

reality bites hard and it's painful. i thought i've grown used to it, but sometimes it feels like a million blocks of rubick's dropped from the sky straight to my head. no complaints though, for complaints are for normal humans. needless to say that i'm not.

death to hopelessness! do away with desolation! kill the anti-life! my courage will win in the end, they'll see. we'll see.

un-sober as usual, i'm stuck yet again with nothing to say but random ranting of a libran lunatic. aaahhh.. but here's one though: there is this guy. i only get to look at him via my peripheral vision. i only get to see him for about 20-40 minutes a day, only during weekdays, and not even today, which made me a little sad.

it's quite funny, because i've had this sort of crush on him for more than 2 weeks now, and he's just on the other side of the office floor, but i do not know his name. as luck would have it, we don't have any friends in common as well.

here i go again. be still, my heart. you don't even know what kind of man he is. i wish i could stop feeling these complicated feelings, because they're totally uselesss. all they do is ransack my already addled brain, causing me to stop working and start daydreaming. bad bad bad.

get your head in the game and stop this nonsense at once, my mind shouts. it's been a long time since you were inspired like this, just sit and enjoy the ride, says my soul. if you were me, to whom would you listen to? ###

"sound can only be as loud as the ear can hear, heart can only beat as fast as senses run." - cesiaj.moi