the very very loooong road home

just got home and i'm very tired. i've dreamt of the sanctuary that is called my bedroom all day long, and i can almost taste it while i was on my way home awhile ago. work was dreadful as usual. dragging myself out of bed this morning was worse. knowing what was waiting for me in the office and yet not having the courage to get out of my situation was possibly the very worst part in this scenario.

 

don't get me wrong, i may be in one of the best jobs on earth... for a mediocre. especially now that the whole world is scared off of their mighty seats because of this thing they call "recession", anybody who's got enough bread to feed their family should be considered lucky. i am lucky. and sometimes i feel like shit for even thinking otherwise.

it's just that... i'm not happy where i am right now. i have a job that pays just right (when the salary should have been bigger in the first place), i have real friends (whom i rarely see because of my busy schedule - caused by my underpaid job), and i'm single (what the f***k am i saying?). so all of this should add up to a happy life, right?

wrong. i'm human, you see. part of human nature is discontent, or (as euphemism) the never-ending battle to prove one's worth. people always say that it's a huge world out there. and now everybody's joining the rat race to the finish line, in the hopes of discovering how big the world really is. only a few are aware of the word, "enough" - everybody else is too busy with the cutthroat competition they are currently engaged in. i'm one of those people. and i may hate myself for it, but it's not that easy to quit, jump out of the bandwagon, and forget everything else. 

let's go back to the real world: there are bills to pay and mouths to feed. there are needs and wants and more. there are shopping malls and grocery stores and hotels and vacation spots and a variety of paradise... and they all require money in order for them to accommodate me. there's work and work and more work. and then there's the good ol' bed waiting for my return. i can't recall how many times i have wished for this boring routine to stop. i don't even remember the time when i was really happy. i just feel so jaded right now.. so dizzy.. and of course, alone. again. naturally. ###

    

"in search of happiness, everyone's making themselves miserable." - cesiaj.moi