fearless forecast this 2015

so i've been thinking about resolutions and stuff for a few days now, probably coz it's january and it's that time of the year for resolutions. but i don't have any. or rather, i know myself too well to make resolutions only to break them at the very first instance. so i thought i'd make goals instead. and here's what i have written so far:
1. pay off my credit card debt (as in everything) by end of year. whoooo!!!
   i will never swipe again. i will never swipe again. i will never swipe again. i have an ongoing personal loan and a car mortgage. i need to get this little evil plastic card out of the equation if i wish to be a millionaire by the time i'm 35.

2. open my online stocks account.
   another way to start saving up to reach the ultimate goal: be a millionaire by 35 and retire by the time i'm 40. yessir.

3. visit another country. 
   this one's almost a done deal since my friends and i are planning to go to taiwan this june. however, if i can visit 2 countries this year, that would be awesome.

4. figure out what i want to do with my life. 
   whether to find a new career, to go abroad and work, or to start processing immigration papers for canada, the unhinged libran has no clue.

5. clean my room.
   it's a daunting task that i can assign to no one. in a sudden streak of diligence, i organized my dresser earlier. now it's just my study table, my cd/book/etc. shelf, my shoe rack, my closets, and the unopened boxes i keep somewhere. goodluck.

6. go out of town.
   maybe go to some beach somewhere, or climb a mountain perhaps. or a day tour to tagaytay. 

7. learn something new.
   a new language, or a musical instrument i guess. or maybe something that will further enhance my resume so i can figure out what career do i really want to be in.

8. achieve a weight of 115 lbs. or less by year end.
   because why not?

let's do this. ###

thoughts on an article, a.k.a. welcome back me

wow. it's been quite a while since i last posted. many things have changed since and maybe, just maybe, i'll put all the updates on my shit here later. right now however, i just need to vent out my thoughts on an article i read about an hour ago:

What It’s Like To Have Never Had A Boyfriend In Your 20s


i read the comments on this article and found myself with my own two cents to share. i wanted to write on the comments section, but i suddenly felt like i was in a sort of AA meeting, only instead of addiction i'm gonna be sharing my own single-blessed pains.

me: hi, i'm the unhinged libran, and i have had no boyfriend since birth
everybody: hi unhinged libran

right, so no. i thought that i'd reopen this blog instead.

reading the comments, i was surprised by the number of people that are going through the same thing the author wrote. i myself didn't choose to be single, but the idea of "putting myself out there" isn't my strongest suit. i've only ever had one suitor back in high school, but i didn't want to lead him on just so that i could get myself a guy like all the others, even though i wasn't attracted to him -- so i turned him down. do i regret that decision? nope. he's been going out with another high school friend for several years now and they're very happy. although once in a while i do have a "what if" moment, where i think about an alternate universe where i said yes and we hooked up, but it passes just as soon as it comes.

look. i'm a great catch, if i do say so myself. i'm fairly intelligent. i look human at the very least. i have a stable job. i'm generally nice to everyone. i share. i can cook and do chores. i'm not afraid to rough it. i'm low maintenance -- just feed me and i'll be happy. i'm not a picky eater either, though i have to say i'm partial to chocolates and cheese. friends say that i look like a snob at first glance, partly because i'm quiet around people i don't know, but mostly because i own a face with a default mode of 'frown-y'. but then they get to know me and realize that i'm one hell of a crazy cookie. so why the hell are those guys not lining up to woo me? well, they're probably busy with victoria's secret models at the moment.

at the end of the day, i guess what i'm really looking for is that person who would tear down the barriers i built around myself and still accept me. or that person who is willing to let me in. i'm the unhinged libran, 28, and still not giving up hope that my someone is out there somewhere, and we'll meet someday when we're both ready. ###

bleeding caffeine

must. stay. awake..

i'm not feeling too good a the moment. my heart is beating so fast yet my mind is drifting amongst the clouds. that's what a triple shot espresso does to the senses. oh yeah, and my stomach's having caffeine intolerance at the moment. yup. number 2 on the way, hope i reach home before that happens.


my goal is to roll~

just signed up for aikido classes and my body's aching all over. and i still don't have my gi. and i don't know how to roll. and i can't remember the warm up exercises, let alone those 5 basic steps! upset upset upset. but i'll come back. i'll practice. i promise.


what's written in the stars?

so it turns out i'm no longer a libran. shit. with that serpent holder called pikachu or whatever messing up outer space, i'm not sure what to believe in anymore. not that it matters much anyway. the stars can only go as far as the sky stretches across the earth's horizon, so it'd be really stupid to lay your future on a bunch of celestial rocks drifting across the universe, right? for me, it's just frustrating coz i've been the unhinged libran for 3 years now, and i don't want to be a virgin lunatic just because the stars told me so. hell to the n-o!


 
where do we go from here?
 
so i thought i'd post another one of those ramblings i had back in the day. here it is.
 
How I wish I could go back to school
and bring back times I took for granted then
we all thought that time would never wane
But like the moon, it did
When sorrow takes over our day
We'll all be wishing life was over.
But then friends come to give consoling shoulders
And so make the sorrows worth our time too

I missed the moments when I still held my youth
And thought that moment would last forever
But forests age and so do people
there is no going back for wasted yesterdays
So came regrets and unfinished dreams
We all have to wake up to painful realities
and sometimes throw away those great ambitions

Larger than life portraits of ourselves are drawn
Other people may see the tapestry
but we cannot
For we are part of it.
We are part of time.
we often try as hard as possible to hold the moment
but the moment itself lets us go because it must move on
and we can't go to where it's going,
for we are destined to journey elsewhere

We in endless solitude will watch the moon
as it completes its cycle
But the moon will never be in the same position as before
As we are not designed to be in the same place forever

haay

02feb2008 1845 mla time

the days i thank the heavens for not granting me a driver's license

another late day at the office. for the past year, being tardy has become a habit. yes it's a bad one and no one should follow my lead, no matter how bored they are at work, but being a habit, it's just so hard to shake off.

dunno why i bought something to eat during my 30-minute break. i wasn't hungry, i have no intention of eating. heck, i wasn't even thinking about food. the next thing i knew, i have a plate of rice and binagoongan (pork cutlets sauteed in fish paste a.k.a. delicious-dish-no-matter-how strange-it-sounds-to-foreigners cuisine) in front of me, and I, in front of the office pantry's tv. began to watch a documentary about the issues regarding traffic, and how my country has been slowly advancing to the next level in terms of providing better transportation watch all over the metro. they boasted of some 60++ cctv cameras watching over those automobiles along with my fellow commuters. they crooned about the number of traffic rescue teams (around 6-15 units[?]) going over the city to assist in emergency situations and road accidents. they warned the public that there are eyes watching wrong doers & traffic violators everywhere.

but why is it not enough? why are there still accidents occuring at almost every blink of the traffic lights? why are there still a lot of drivers boldly beating the red light & cutting other vehicles? why are there still a lot of people proclaiming themselves, "king of the road"?

for someone who is always hopeful about the future of the country, it's painful to go outside and feast one's eyes on bumper to bumper traffic, and let one's ears be assailed by hundreds of honkers trying to get past each other. on days when i try to go to work early (mind you, you can count those days using 10 fingers and a foot), it's really frustrating to arrive at the office about a minute late, just because traffic got in the way. now where are those "watchful eyes" when you need them? is there still hope to wake up to for another day?

if only those CCTV cameras can zoom in close enough to watch the exchange of "kotong" money between corrupt traffic enforcers and abusive/ignorant/innocent drivers...

if only government-regulated transports are being properly utilized, come in large numbers, have wider coverage than mobile phone networks, and cheap (if not free).

if only transportation/traffic laws are implemented on a fair (vs. now: officer, i'm late for work and i'm a politician/lawyer/actor/really really rich guy, could you just let me pass this one time & by the way here's your lunch allowance kthnxbye) and consistent (vs. now: business days from 7am-8pm, city center only) basis...

if only the price of petroleum & other gasoline products are subsidized, or if only the government showed more support on that bio/hydro/solar-operated automobile inventions...

if only i can have that shiny black blingy car... ok scratch that, who am i kidding here?

well anyway, it's not bad to dream big dreams for one's nation right? if the other countries can do it, we can too right? if we all work together, nothing's impossible right?

if only. if only it were that easy.

the road to success is a bumpy one. my motherland's currently low on fuel and stuck in a pothole along that road. nevertheless, let's all enjoy the ride. better yet, why don't we try to be better drivers at least? - cesiaj ###

don't tell me you're working when you're not

scanning 'illegal' sites, writing blog posts... graveyard shift can be so boring, that one has to settle to the thrill of getting caught not doing anything. very original.

i bought some sick stuff today. a one-of-akind planner, entitled The "Puso Lang Yan, Malayo sa Bituka" Planner for 2011. it was soo cool I bought another one for a friend whom i think would make pretty good use of it. yup, she's lovesick. eww. :)
need matchsticks? yes please. 2. uhh, no, make that 3, so that there's a spare in case 1 gets broken. desperately need to open these drooping eyes!

where sleeping quarters become an oasis in the middle of this horrendous desert of a schedule; where super security pop-ups & web blockers become your worst enemies; where your colleagues gradually blend in your dreamworld as a unified buzzing sound similar to the noise created by mosquitos; where caffeine becomes your self-professed life saver; and your log-out time serves as the light at the end of a very loooooong & dark tunnel. that's gy. yes. gy.

spice girl: tell me what you want, what you really, really want. so tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
cesiaj: i wanna, i wanna, i wanna, i wannaaaaaaaa.... i wanna really, really, really wanna sleep-a-sleep ahhhh!


my humor's taken a turn for the 90's. it's probably a dream, or this dark mocha's got some serious side effects.


8 more minutes & it's break time. (though i did get an unscheduled break a few hours ago hehe). gosh. 17 more shifts to go. crawling through the blankets already. slowly dying. waiting for the rising sun. ###

grab your head scream and shout

boredom. funny how my life could be summed up in one word. i'm now walking a zigzag line, & i don't know where my path is headed. no clue as to what i should do with the future, what I did with my past, and what i'm doing with my present.


the only way i can think of for a brighter tomorrow, is to retrace my steps and go back to square one. Oh, the agony of starting all over again! The pain of having so much time wasted on trivial pursuit, only to reach a dead end!


if it's the only way... if there's no other way. then it will be time to throw my destiny to the winds and hope to the mighty that something positive happens. ###

posted by Fritzes007. i'm totally addicted to old school rock n' roll these days.

my oh my, aren't we talkative today?

can anybody find me... somebody to love~ queen.



so came the time that moment's gone
one blink and someone says it's over
and all the things that came undone
will fade into the dark that hovers


a birth of one small spiny cell 
so different from the rest of slate
this quirk that made great tales to tell
had no longer woken or moved of late


there no more rhyme could cast it's score
and no more song to listen to
reason waned, the mind a senseless bore
no heart can be heard beating too


"wala lang. wala na."


No Sense, Nothing


20sep2008 1457 mla 


after some deep thinking, decided to publish them. one at a time. to hell with it. ###

dreams and reality - 130409

On the brink of unconsciousness I surrender every thought, every angst I feel. And for a moment there, I'm free.

In my nightmare, there's tons of work to do. In my nightmare, I'm alone. I walk alone and dance alone and cry alone and laugh alone until I know and can no longer admit that I'm not crazy. In my nightmare, there is light. too much light that I am blinded and thus cannot see it. There is food, but I am always hungry. I work so hard and still feel that I'm the most useless person on earth. But worst of all, in my nightmare, I'm awake.

070111 More than a year has passed yet I'm still dreaming bad dreams. When will it end? What to wish for when any moment, the monsters under the bed might come out and kill me?

from the bottom of my espresso cup and beyond the edges of my sanity

ahhh… my heart is falling once again. It’s funny how my heart always finds its way with strangers. eom hong shik. a stranger, stranger than me.

just a few hours ago i suddenly remembered, that i have not written anything decent in quite a loooong time. the poet is dead. i’m mourning.

getting dizzy… didn’t know espresso would have this effect on me. being on graveyard shift on the first month of the year is already tough. but what’s tougher is to hinder sleep time with a pretty interesting drama DVD. to sum it up, i’ve probably slept less than 10 hours for the past 5 days. so dizzy.

spending the past few hours of my sleepless life locked up in a lightless room, discoveries about self, about changes, about myself changing, are inevitable. i hate the person i'm turning out to be. and i'm afraid to be my own mortal enemy. the more i try to be a better person, the worse i behave. should i do it backwards then? should i now strive to be the worst person imaginable, so that i would have no disappointments in the future?

i can feel my brain whirring tiredly inside my sleep-deprived head, a quiet drumming around my neck that feels numb.

the habit of rereading previous writings have not yet disappeared. i keep telling myself that one should never regret anything that has been done, but rather to regret the things that one did not do. i do not regret saying back then that writing is not my passion, but i do regret abandoning myself, and not snatching a pen and paper when the writer inside urges me to do so. i regret my lazy bouts of tantrums, when i felt that the whole world has left me to drown in the shallowness of society. i regret the moments when i watched passively each good and bad thing happening around me, as if i was window shopping with the thought of never having to spend anything by the end of the day.

thanks to a certain person, i now learned the new meaning of regret. in this cruel world, awareness is the key to survival. destiny is the path that one should follow, and creating it should be one's moral goal.

now it's time to try to get some sleep. i'm at the office by the way. hehe ###

lethargic; secret escape

there's pain in my heart that would never go away. days crawl by me, but i stay still in time. everything's frozen, and no sound could be heard. everything's dark, and there are no stars. a world that exists in my today, where there is no present, no future, only one single soul living in the past. that's where i am.

i try to break free of the lethargy that washes over me as i wake up to a brand new morning. i desperately try to splash some color in my dull gray life (if you could even call it 'life'), but to no avail. i'm left with a feeling of wastedness, even at the start of the day.

the music that once was, is not there anymore. not even that sad love song that kept playing in the background. all that's left is a heartbreaking sound of utter silence.

i sit behind my desk for hours on end, with a headset plugged to my ears most of the time - a weapon to shut the silence that engulfs me. but somehow, even at the loudest volume imaginable, even as my ears bleed from those earpieces that transfer chemical waves of noise in me, there still exists that restless quiet within. like a blackhole, slowly... but surely getting larger by the minute.

it scares me to disappear from this earth as nothing more than dust and bones. with no one remembering what i was worth when i was still living.

maybe that's where the problem lies. i live for nothing. i strive for no one. and though a heroic part of me would desire to die to save another life, there is no "other" out there to die for. life is a concept, a theory. living is hard.

"the loneliness continues. i'm badly in need of a lover. lol" - cesiaj

goodbye my energy drink, goodbye

i told myself a million times that it's over. i went to sleep thinking that tomorrow should be different. i woke up and took my bath, all the while repeating: no more, this feeling must end. i forgot about everything as i immersed myself in rush hour traffic going to work. and then still having that amnesia, i work for most of the day.

but then 9:40 comes and he goes in... lunch break at the pantry and he's there. all the promises of stilling my heart breaks in pieces. this happens every time, every single time.

i found out a few days ago that he's not married after all. well and good. i found out today that he and one of my close friends have been cyber-friends for about 2 weeks now. and yet nobody seems to mention anything to me. it's childish, and i know i shouldn't care. it's none of my business anyway.

but deep inside, i couldn't help but care. i don't know who invited who in the first place, and i don't want to judge my friend. what i also don't know is whether to feel jealous, or relieved, or pained - knowing that (in case if he was the one who invited my friend in that social network) he, like many other guys before him, have fallen for my beautiful friend. jealousy and pain is understandable, but relief?

i guess relief is the wrong word, but it is a popular theory that majority of guys would always go for "the looks". now i'm not saying my friend is ugly inside, in fact she's really wonderful inside and out. it's just that my ideal guy would not be attracted with "the looks", but rather with what's inside a woman. however, it seems that he's like the rest of them. he fills up the majority. and for that, i'm somewhat relieved because i have finally found a way to turn my feelings 'off'.

if the libran is relieved, then what's with the pain and jealousy? i'm jealous because in the back of my head, i wished that it was me. but it wasn't me, it was my friend. i'm jealous because i'm not beautiful. and maybe it's just me having trouble accepting who i am, but that's just so me. i'm insecure, and that's what makes me jealous.

pain - it's painful because i let it get too far. though i hate to admit it, i've already invested too much. it's something that i'm very adamant about. i kept saying that i don't want to waste my time investing on something that would not be profitable for me. but as a typical libran, i want ahead and disregarded my own rule. very good . it's simply painful because i was hurt. i am hurt. is it any wonder why i'm writing this entry?

i wish that i could say it's over. i wish that i could somehow be strong enough to turn the switch off. i wish that i could be healed by tomorrow. but only 1% of wishes come true.

tonight i'll go to sleep with thoughts that tomorrow would be different.

"if i squeeze my heart out like a sponge, would it turn dry as well? would you join the juices and suds that flow away from it? or would you remain, like the bacteria that proliferates the sponge?" - cesiaj.moi

self-preservation

he's married. that's the first thought that entered my mind when i saw a picture of a man, child and woman on a social networking site that i searched. he's married.

at first it didn't sink in. and then i was way above my senses. way above everything else. i don't know if it's pain, or i'm simply relieved that i have finally uncovered the mystery that was him.

many things happened today. many things to write about. today, i found his name. today, i met his wife and daughter. today, i was not able to work because i was busy conjuring a dream. today, i said goodbye to the feelings that i carried for more than a month. today, i decided to visit my blog and tell my story.

i do not know if i am sad. my thought processes is currently updating (which means systems are down at the moment, kindly get back later). all i know is there is this void, this emptiness. it's like i'm trying to recall the days, the hours that passed, and i'm starting to wonder why i began to like him in the first place. but still no pain came, and heartache is out of the question. a friend said it's not normal - i told her it was my defense mechanism to preserve me from hurting. maybe it is... or maybe, i just fantasized about something that's not real.

if it's not real, then i guess it's true what they say: it's really hard to believe, when you know that in the middle of it is a lie. if what i felt wasn't real, then what is? if what i felt wasn't real, then it must mean that i have been sleepwalking this past month. i haven't been awake at all. only now, when it's over. ###

elevator: falling for a stranger

and there he is again. my paranoia makes me think about ludicrous stuff lately. but then again, why should i complain? for the first time in ages, i'm inspired to work. imagine that?!

though i'm mostly daydreaming in my cubicle, it's a huge improvement. i never really liked to go to work, but because of him, i render 2 hours overtime every single day. ok so maybe the overtime is not purely because of him (i really need the extra pay), but still.

***

i heard his voice for the first time today. i've been stalking him for the past week and i hope he's dumb enough to not notice. it's like having a schoolgirl crush once more: me and my accomplice waiting for him to take the elevator on his way home. me and my accomplice riding the elevator with him and his friend. me, not even looking at him. me, hearing his voice for the first time. me listening to each and every word he said to his friend. me, laughing my ass off along the streets of the city with my accomplice, while walking with my new shoes which are extremely painful and almost killed my toes. me, addicted. me, in love?

no. it's a complication that i just can't take. who am i anyway? i don't think he even knows i exist. unless of course he already realized that there's a "love sick" fool following his every move whenever she gets the chance. oh God i hope not.

is he married? is he seeing anyone? is he gay? i don't have a clue. i don't know why i like him. maybe because i'm looking for a distraction from my boring life? maybe because i needed an oasis in the middle of my desert? maybe because i found the... one? stop it!

i can't. it just keeps on flowing. i've got a stranger lingering in my lips and i can't shake him off from my memory, vague as he is in there. this will pass. hopefully tomorrow. but that would be a devastation.

i can't deny the need for a heart jumpstart. my blood is pulsing with inspiration. my mind is clouded with thoughts of him. my senses are obsessed with his wholeness. my fingers are itching to keep on talking about him. my need is to know him and probably solve the mystery that has been plaguing me for days.

i need to breathe. but sometimes the cloudy skies can be so compelling, that i just forget what i'm breathing for. it's too early to predict anything. but before this schoolgirl crush gets out of hand, may i just whisper my wish to the heavens?: i wish he likes me too. i wish he does something about it. ###

"i kept shouting an unknown name in my mind; it grew so often that i almost tasted his flavor; it became malignant and swallowed me whole; bottomline, i became a shadow once again." - cesiaj.moi

don't let me go

reality bites hard and it's painful. i thought i've grown used to it, but sometimes it feels like a million blocks of rubick's dropped from the sky straight to my head. no complaints though, for complaints are for normal humans. needless to say that i'm not.

death to hopelessness! do away with desolation! kill the anti-life! my courage will win in the end, they'll see. we'll see.

un-sober as usual, i'm stuck yet again with nothing to say but random ranting of a libran lunatic. aaahhh.. but here's one though: there is this guy. i only get to look at him via my peripheral vision. i only get to see him for about 20-40 minutes a day, only during weekdays, and not even today, which made me a little sad.

it's quite funny, because i've had this sort of crush on him for more than 2 weeks now, and he's just on the other side of the office floor, but i do not know his name. as luck would have it, we don't have any friends in common as well.

here i go again. be still, my heart. you don't even know what kind of man he is. i wish i could stop feeling these complicated feelings, because they're totally uselesss. all they do is ransack my already addled brain, causing me to stop working and start daydreaming. bad bad bad.

get your head in the game and stop this nonsense at once, my mind shouts. it's been a long time since you were inspired like this, just sit and enjoy the ride, says my soul. if you were me, to whom would you listen to? ###

"sound can only be as loud as the ear can hear, heart can only beat as fast as senses run." - cesiaj.moi

one morning with a nice warm cup of booze

friday dawned and i'm late for work as usual. like most fridays, i felt happy again. but last friday, i was marginally happier than i was on a regular friday shift. there's something else to look forward to.

friday night found me at the mall, strolling and killing time. my bag is packed and i'm so ready to go... go back to the place where my life began.

the weekend passed by in a blur. it was rainy all throughout, but the gloom that settled around the city of pines only reminded me of bliss. it was a time for a delicious cup of booze, and a bundle of stories in between. every second counted once again. and the world was filled with nothing but joy.

so far, so good. and then it was over. back to the real world, and i found myself being pushed away into the dark monstrous sea of "home" again. it's sad to go, but as i've said time and again, this is my choice.

what would i give for that one wasted moment in my life, where i knew that i lived again. how much do i have to pay to come back to that place and breath freely for just one more time.

the price of comfort is becoming burdensome. i just hope i learn how to get past it. i just hope i could find my sanctuary here. ###

i love ΠΣΔ . STRIKE!

fascinated

i'm a clown for being nostalgic. but that's the way i am. tried to keep moving from one moment to the next, but still stuck with a vivid memory of some distant past i just can't forego.

the careless laughters, the truthfulness behind each smile. the sincerity of every action. the youthful hope for tomorrow, may it be bright or not. it was all there. there in that not so distant past that i've been trying to let go.

the bitterweet feeling of remembering the glorious days is sickening. but the choice was mine to make in the first place. i chose to remember. i chose not to move on. because moving on would mean growing old. and growing old would lead to a personal death that i'm not yet willing to succumb to.

i chose to suffer to continue the spark that was passed onto me by people before me. people who had in their turn, experienced that same distant past.

the flame of hope remains as long as there are those of us who remember. it may not be as shining as the shining of the darkest shadows of despair, but it's a start. always a start. no tomorrow will be lost as long as the flame of hope remains. no youth will be wasted. no life will be taken for granted. #

"the loudest sound that a loner could hear is silence." - cesiaj.moi

shit happens now

this once, disregard the date of posting. internet connection gone bad these past few days, but it's been fixed. life goes on.

8 june 2009 (monday), 2351hrs

first off, my internet connection’s busted. i barely have enough money left in my wallet, and when i tried to compute my budget for the days to come, all i have ever accomplished is to get myself a very excruciating headache. i’m tired from work and i’m tired of all the extra-curriculars that i’ve been doing lately. These are the days that i feel like the world has turned into one stinking shit, with me drowning in it.

so when will this end? nobody knows. nobody cares. all i know now is that my sleepy mind’s taking over my frustrated senses, and that i need to hit the sack sooner than later. tomorrow’s a new day. i’ll be the same jaded person. the world will still be filled with shit. #

“what’s the sense of making sense of your situation, when you’re so determined to remain as you are?” – cesiaj.moi 

so where was i?

nobody knows the struggle that i constantly have with myself regarding writing. fresh ideas invade my senses everyday: on my way to and from the office. just when i'm about to sleep. during office hours. whenever i'm in the comfort room. all those inconvenient times that i don't have a pen and paper with me. etc. and just when i'm about to discover that flighty writer's hand, my forgetful mind snatches it away again, and nothingness takes its place.

not that i consider myself a writer. writing is not my dream job. but there are just some things that happen in my day to day life that cuts my boring routine and compels me to pick up a pen and... alas! those sudden happenings come and go as fast as lightning, and by the time i find the courage to put it all on paper (or any writing material available within my reach), the inspiration is already lost.

i have had too many topics that wanted to let themselves out of me, but as i've said, everything has been thrown off to the winds of the past. i just hate this feeling of writing about nothing and unnecessarily lengthening it to ramblings and raves of a paranoid libran when it could have been something worth reading and sharing. 

bob ong was right. he said that when you finally decide to write something seriously, everything else must be forgotten. sleep, baths, room cleaning, texting, and occasional food trips ruin the momentum so they must be ignored. it's a difficult path to take, that's why writing is considered a road less travelled. it is certainly easier to speak out your thoughts than write them. however, in writing, you get to edit your line. words that have been spoken on the other hand can never be taken back. 

where oh where was my inspiration when i needed it? oh where, oh where can it be? if anybody finds it, please please please return it to me. # 

confessions of a pirate

so i make use of torrents without really knowing what they are. so i download music and video clips and movies and games without paying for them. so i'm getting quite a kick out of doing all of these things because they're abolutely free!... and illegal. so i'm an internet pirate, or whatever it is they call people like me. so what?

it started out back in college, when we all wanted to get a copy of this award-winning indie film we saw during one of our class movie presentations. i'm no professional, but i had the gadget. so we did it, we somehow borrowed an original VCD and copied it. over and over until all my friends have one copy each. we didn't start a business with it though (we just honestly couldn't find original copies in the market when we wanted to buy one), so i guess it's just petty compared to those big underground organizations doing piracy. i didn't get hooked though, 'coz it costs much time, effort, and electricity. however, i didn't come out entirely clean. i started buying (and collecting) pirated VCDs and DVDs instead. 

i'm not going to apologize for my actions. as i have said, i enjoy it, and it's the only crime i could get away with, 'coz so many others are doing it and patronizing piracy that authorities could find no way of stopping the culprits. to those who don't know yet, please note that any type of piracy IS stealing, and if you could avoid it, please do. why i'm writing this now you ask? because i'm frustrated. i have been spending too much time downloading the full version of a certain game i so want to play for a couple of days now, but the application does not work. there goes karma.

to be fair, i buy as much originals as i buy fakes. still, it's true what they say: the best things in life are (often) unlawful. ###