from the bottom of my espresso cup and beyond the edges of my sanity

ahhh… my heart is falling once again. It’s funny how my heart always finds its way with strangers. eom hong shik. a stranger, stranger than me.

just a few hours ago i suddenly remembered, that i have not written anything decent in quite a loooong time. the poet is dead. i’m mourning.

getting dizzy… didn’t know espresso would have this effect on me. being on graveyard shift on the first month of the year is already tough. but what’s tougher is to hinder sleep time with a pretty interesting drama DVD. to sum it up, i’ve probably slept less than 10 hours for the past 5 days. so dizzy.

spending the past few hours of my sleepless life locked up in a lightless room, discoveries about self, about changes, about myself changing, are inevitable. i hate the person i'm turning out to be. and i'm afraid to be my own mortal enemy. the more i try to be a better person, the worse i behave. should i do it backwards then? should i now strive to be the worst person imaginable, so that i would have no disappointments in the future?

i can feel my brain whirring tiredly inside my sleep-deprived head, a quiet drumming around my neck that feels numb.

the habit of rereading previous writings have not yet disappeared. i keep telling myself that one should never regret anything that has been done, but rather to regret the things that one did not do. i do not regret saying back then that writing is not my passion, but i do regret abandoning myself, and not snatching a pen and paper when the writer inside urges me to do so. i regret my lazy bouts of tantrums, when i felt that the whole world has left me to drown in the shallowness of society. i regret the moments when i watched passively each good and bad thing happening around me, as if i was window shopping with the thought of never having to spend anything by the end of the day.

thanks to a certain person, i now learned the new meaning of regret. in this cruel world, awareness is the key to survival. destiny is the path that one should follow, and creating it should be one's moral goal.

now it's time to try to get some sleep. i'm at the office by the way. hehe ###

lethargic; secret escape

there's pain in my heart that would never go away. days crawl by me, but i stay still in time. everything's frozen, and no sound could be heard. everything's dark, and there are no stars. a world that exists in my today, where there is no present, no future, only one single soul living in the past. that's where i am.

i try to break free of the lethargy that washes over me as i wake up to a brand new morning. i desperately try to splash some color in my dull gray life (if you could even call it 'life'), but to no avail. i'm left with a feeling of wastedness, even at the start of the day.

the music that once was, is not there anymore. not even that sad love song that kept playing in the background. all that's left is a heartbreaking sound of utter silence.

i sit behind my desk for hours on end, with a headset plugged to my ears most of the time - a weapon to shut the silence that engulfs me. but somehow, even at the loudest volume imaginable, even as my ears bleed from those earpieces that transfer chemical waves of noise in me, there still exists that restless quiet within. like a blackhole, slowly... but surely getting larger by the minute.

it scares me to disappear from this earth as nothing more than dust and bones. with no one remembering what i was worth when i was still living.

maybe that's where the problem lies. i live for nothing. i strive for no one. and though a heroic part of me would desire to die to save another life, there is no "other" out there to die for. life is a concept, a theory. living is hard.

"the loneliness continues. i'm badly in need of a lover. lol" - cesiaj

goodbye my energy drink, goodbye

i told myself a million times that it's over. i went to sleep thinking that tomorrow should be different. i woke up and took my bath, all the while repeating: no more, this feeling must end. i forgot about everything as i immersed myself in rush hour traffic going to work. and then still having that amnesia, i work for most of the day.

but then 9:40 comes and he goes in... lunch break at the pantry and he's there. all the promises of stilling my heart breaks in pieces. this happens every time, every single time.

i found out a few days ago that he's not married after all. well and good. i found out today that he and one of my close friends have been cyber-friends for about 2 weeks now. and yet nobody seems to mention anything to me. it's childish, and i know i shouldn't care. it's none of my business anyway.

but deep inside, i couldn't help but care. i don't know who invited who in the first place, and i don't want to judge my friend. what i also don't know is whether to feel jealous, or relieved, or pained - knowing that (in case if he was the one who invited my friend in that social network) he, like many other guys before him, have fallen for my beautiful friend. jealousy and pain is understandable, but relief?

i guess relief is the wrong word, but it is a popular theory that majority of guys would always go for "the looks". now i'm not saying my friend is ugly inside, in fact she's really wonderful inside and out. it's just that my ideal guy would not be attracted with "the looks", but rather with what's inside a woman. however, it seems that he's like the rest of them. he fills up the majority. and for that, i'm somewhat relieved because i have finally found a way to turn my feelings 'off'.

if the libran is relieved, then what's with the pain and jealousy? i'm jealous because in the back of my head, i wished that it was me. but it wasn't me, it was my friend. i'm jealous because i'm not beautiful. and maybe it's just me having trouble accepting who i am, but that's just so me. i'm insecure, and that's what makes me jealous.

pain - it's painful because i let it get too far. though i hate to admit it, i've already invested too much. it's something that i'm very adamant about. i kept saying that i don't want to waste my time investing on something that would not be profitable for me. but as a typical libran, i want ahead and disregarded my own rule. very good . it's simply painful because i was hurt. i am hurt. is it any wonder why i'm writing this entry?

i wish that i could say it's over. i wish that i could somehow be strong enough to turn the switch off. i wish that i could be healed by tomorrow. but only 1% of wishes come true.

tonight i'll go to sleep with thoughts that tomorrow would be different.

"if i squeeze my heart out like a sponge, would it turn dry as well? would you join the juices and suds that flow away from it? or would you remain, like the bacteria that proliferates the sponge?" - cesiaj.moi

self-preservation

he's married. that's the first thought that entered my mind when i saw a picture of a man, child and woman on a social networking site that i searched. he's married.

at first it didn't sink in. and then i was way above my senses. way above everything else. i don't know if it's pain, or i'm simply relieved that i have finally uncovered the mystery that was him.

many things happened today. many things to write about. today, i found his name. today, i met his wife and daughter. today, i was not able to work because i was busy conjuring a dream. today, i said goodbye to the feelings that i carried for more than a month. today, i decided to visit my blog and tell my story.

i do not know if i am sad. my thought processes is currently updating (which means systems are down at the moment, kindly get back later). all i know is there is this void, this emptiness. it's like i'm trying to recall the days, the hours that passed, and i'm starting to wonder why i began to like him in the first place. but still no pain came, and heartache is out of the question. a friend said it's not normal - i told her it was my defense mechanism to preserve me from hurting. maybe it is... or maybe, i just fantasized about something that's not real.

if it's not real, then i guess it's true what they say: it's really hard to believe, when you know that in the middle of it is a lie. if what i felt wasn't real, then what is? if what i felt wasn't real, then it must mean that i have been sleepwalking this past month. i haven't been awake at all. only now, when it's over. ###

elevator: falling for a stranger

and there he is again. my paranoia makes me think about ludicrous stuff lately. but then again, why should i complain? for the first time in ages, i'm inspired to work. imagine that?!

though i'm mostly daydreaming in my cubicle, it's a huge improvement. i never really liked to go to work, but because of him, i render 2 hours overtime every single day. ok so maybe the overtime is not purely because of him (i really need the extra pay), but still.

***

i heard his voice for the first time today. i've been stalking him for the past week and i hope he's dumb enough to not notice. it's like having a schoolgirl crush once more: me and my accomplice waiting for him to take the elevator on his way home. me and my accomplice riding the elevator with him and his friend. me, not even looking at him. me, hearing his voice for the first time. me listening to each and every word he said to his friend. me, laughing my ass off along the streets of the city with my accomplice, while walking with my new shoes which are extremely painful and almost killed my toes. me, addicted. me, in love?

no. it's a complication that i just can't take. who am i anyway? i don't think he even knows i exist. unless of course he already realized that there's a "love sick" fool following his every move whenever she gets the chance. oh God i hope not.

is he married? is he seeing anyone? is he gay? i don't have a clue. i don't know why i like him. maybe because i'm looking for a distraction from my boring life? maybe because i needed an oasis in the middle of my desert? maybe because i found the... one? stop it!

i can't. it just keeps on flowing. i've got a stranger lingering in my lips and i can't shake him off from my memory, vague as he is in there. this will pass. hopefully tomorrow. but that would be a devastation.

i can't deny the need for a heart jumpstart. my blood is pulsing with inspiration. my mind is clouded with thoughts of him. my senses are obsessed with his wholeness. my fingers are itching to keep on talking about him. my need is to know him and probably solve the mystery that has been plaguing me for days.

i need to breathe. but sometimes the cloudy skies can be so compelling, that i just forget what i'm breathing for. it's too early to predict anything. but before this schoolgirl crush gets out of hand, may i just whisper my wish to the heavens?: i wish he likes me too. i wish he does something about it. ###

"i kept shouting an unknown name in my mind; it grew so often that i almost tasted his flavor; it became malignant and swallowed me whole; bottomline, i became a shadow once again." - cesiaj.moi

don't let me go

reality bites hard and it's painful. i thought i've grown used to it, but sometimes it feels like a million blocks of rubick's dropped from the sky straight to my head. no complaints though, for complaints are for normal humans. needless to say that i'm not.

death to hopelessness! do away with desolation! kill the anti-life! my courage will win in the end, they'll see. we'll see.

un-sober as usual, i'm stuck yet again with nothing to say but random ranting of a libran lunatic. aaahhh.. but here's one though: there is this guy. i only get to look at him via my peripheral vision. i only get to see him for about 20-40 minutes a day, only during weekdays, and not even today, which made me a little sad.

it's quite funny, because i've had this sort of crush on him for more than 2 weeks now, and he's just on the other side of the office floor, but i do not know his name. as luck would have it, we don't have any friends in common as well.

here i go again. be still, my heart. you don't even know what kind of man he is. i wish i could stop feeling these complicated feelings, because they're totally uselesss. all they do is ransack my already addled brain, causing me to stop working and start daydreaming. bad bad bad.

get your head in the game and stop this nonsense at once, my mind shouts. it's been a long time since you were inspired like this, just sit and enjoy the ride, says my soul. if you were me, to whom would you listen to? ###

"sound can only be as loud as the ear can hear, heart can only beat as fast as senses run." - cesiaj.moi

one morning with a nice warm cup of booze

friday dawned and i'm late for work as usual. like most fridays, i felt happy again. but last friday, i was marginally happier than i was on a regular friday shift. there's something else to look forward to.

friday night found me at the mall, strolling and killing time. my bag is packed and i'm so ready to go... go back to the place where my life began.

the weekend passed by in a blur. it was rainy all throughout, but the gloom that settled around the city of pines only reminded me of bliss. it was a time for a delicious cup of booze, and a bundle of stories in between. every second counted once again. and the world was filled with nothing but joy.

so far, so good. and then it was over. back to the real world, and i found myself being pushed away into the dark monstrous sea of "home" again. it's sad to go, but as i've said time and again, this is my choice.

what would i give for that one wasted moment in my life, where i knew that i lived again. how much do i have to pay to come back to that place and breath freely for just one more time.

the price of comfort is becoming burdensome. i just hope i learn how to get past it. i just hope i could find my sanctuary here. ###

i love ΠΣΔ . STRIKE!