don't tell me you're working when you're not

scanning 'illegal' sites, writing blog posts... graveyard shift can be so boring, that one has to settle to the thrill of getting caught not doing anything. very original.

i bought some sick stuff today. a one-of-akind planner, entitled The "Puso Lang Yan, Malayo sa Bituka" Planner for 2011. it was soo cool I bought another one for a friend whom i think would make pretty good use of it. yup, she's lovesick. eww. :)
need matchsticks? yes please. 2. uhh, no, make that 3, so that there's a spare in case 1 gets broken. desperately need to open these drooping eyes!

where sleeping quarters become an oasis in the middle of this horrendous desert of a schedule; where super security pop-ups & web blockers become your worst enemies; where your colleagues gradually blend in your dreamworld as a unified buzzing sound similar to the noise created by mosquitos; where caffeine becomes your self-professed life saver; and your log-out time serves as the light at the end of a very loooooong & dark tunnel. that's gy. yes. gy.

spice girl: tell me what you want, what you really, really want. so tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
cesiaj: i wanna, i wanna, i wanna, i wannaaaaaaaa.... i wanna really, really, really wanna sleep-a-sleep ahhhh!


my humor's taken a turn for the 90's. it's probably a dream, or this dark mocha's got some serious side effects.


8 more minutes & it's break time. (though i did get an unscheduled break a few hours ago hehe). gosh. 17 more shifts to go. crawling through the blankets already. slowly dying. waiting for the rising sun. ###

grab your head scream and shout

boredom. funny how my life could be summed up in one word. i'm now walking a zigzag line, & i don't know where my path is headed. no clue as to what i should do with the future, what I did with my past, and what i'm doing with my present.


the only way i can think of for a brighter tomorrow, is to retrace my steps and go back to square one. Oh, the agony of starting all over again! The pain of having so much time wasted on trivial pursuit, only to reach a dead end!


if it's the only way... if there's no other way. then it will be time to throw my destiny to the winds and hope to the mighty that something positive happens. ###

posted by Fritzes007. i'm totally addicted to old school rock n' roll these days.

my oh my, aren't we talkative today?

can anybody find me... somebody to love~ queen.



so came the time that moment's gone
one blink and someone says it's over
and all the things that came undone
will fade into the dark that hovers


a birth of one small spiny cell 
so different from the rest of slate
this quirk that made great tales to tell
had no longer woken or moved of late


there no more rhyme could cast it's score
and no more song to listen to
reason waned, the mind a senseless bore
no heart can be heard beating too


"wala lang. wala na."


No Sense, Nothing


20sep2008 1457 mla 


after some deep thinking, decided to publish them. one at a time. to hell with it. ###

dreams and reality - 130409

On the brink of unconsciousness I surrender every thought, every angst I feel. And for a moment there, I'm free.

In my nightmare, there's tons of work to do. In my nightmare, I'm alone. I walk alone and dance alone and cry alone and laugh alone until I know and can no longer admit that I'm not crazy. In my nightmare, there is light. too much light that I am blinded and thus cannot see it. There is food, but I am always hungry. I work so hard and still feel that I'm the most useless person on earth. But worst of all, in my nightmare, I'm awake.

070111 More than a year has passed yet I'm still dreaming bad dreams. When will it end? What to wish for when any moment, the monsters under the bed might come out and kill me?

from the bottom of my espresso cup and beyond the edges of my sanity

ahhh… my heart is falling once again. It’s funny how my heart always finds its way with strangers. eom hong shik. a stranger, stranger than me.

just a few hours ago i suddenly remembered, that i have not written anything decent in quite a loooong time. the poet is dead. i’m mourning.

getting dizzy… didn’t know espresso would have this effect on me. being on graveyard shift on the first month of the year is already tough. but what’s tougher is to hinder sleep time with a pretty interesting drama DVD. to sum it up, i’ve probably slept less than 10 hours for the past 5 days. so dizzy.

spending the past few hours of my sleepless life locked up in a lightless room, discoveries about self, about changes, about myself changing, are inevitable. i hate the person i'm turning out to be. and i'm afraid to be my own mortal enemy. the more i try to be a better person, the worse i behave. should i do it backwards then? should i now strive to be the worst person imaginable, so that i would have no disappointments in the future?

i can feel my brain whirring tiredly inside my sleep-deprived head, a quiet drumming around my neck that feels numb.

the habit of rereading previous writings have not yet disappeared. i keep telling myself that one should never regret anything that has been done, but rather to regret the things that one did not do. i do not regret saying back then that writing is not my passion, but i do regret abandoning myself, and not snatching a pen and paper when the writer inside urges me to do so. i regret my lazy bouts of tantrums, when i felt that the whole world has left me to drown in the shallowness of society. i regret the moments when i watched passively each good and bad thing happening around me, as if i was window shopping with the thought of never having to spend anything by the end of the day.

thanks to a certain person, i now learned the new meaning of regret. in this cruel world, awareness is the key to survival. destiny is the path that one should follow, and creating it should be one's moral goal.

now it's time to try to get some sleep. i'm at the office by the way. hehe ###

lethargic; secret escape

there's pain in my heart that would never go away. days crawl by me, but i stay still in time. everything's frozen, and no sound could be heard. everything's dark, and there are no stars. a world that exists in my today, where there is no present, no future, only one single soul living in the past. that's where i am.

i try to break free of the lethargy that washes over me as i wake up to a brand new morning. i desperately try to splash some color in my dull gray life (if you could even call it 'life'), but to no avail. i'm left with a feeling of wastedness, even at the start of the day.

the music that once was, is not there anymore. not even that sad love song that kept playing in the background. all that's left is a heartbreaking sound of utter silence.

i sit behind my desk for hours on end, with a headset plugged to my ears most of the time - a weapon to shut the silence that engulfs me. but somehow, even at the loudest volume imaginable, even as my ears bleed from those earpieces that transfer chemical waves of noise in me, there still exists that restless quiet within. like a blackhole, slowly... but surely getting larger by the minute.

it scares me to disappear from this earth as nothing more than dust and bones. with no one remembering what i was worth when i was still living.

maybe that's where the problem lies. i live for nothing. i strive for no one. and though a heroic part of me would desire to die to save another life, there is no "other" out there to die for. life is a concept, a theory. living is hard.

"the loneliness continues. i'm badly in need of a lover. lol" - cesiaj