goodbye my energy drink, goodbye

i told myself a million times that it's over. i went to sleep thinking that tomorrow should be different. i woke up and took my bath, all the while repeating: no more, this feeling must end. i forgot about everything as i immersed myself in rush hour traffic going to work. and then still having that amnesia, i work for most of the day.

but then 9:40 comes and he goes in... lunch break at the pantry and he's there. all the promises of stilling my heart breaks in pieces. this happens every time, every single time.

i found out a few days ago that he's not married after all. well and good. i found out today that he and one of my close friends have been cyber-friends for about 2 weeks now. and yet nobody seems to mention anything to me. it's childish, and i know i shouldn't care. it's none of my business anyway.

but deep inside, i couldn't help but care. i don't know who invited who in the first place, and i don't want to judge my friend. what i also don't know is whether to feel jealous, or relieved, or pained - knowing that (in case if he was the one who invited my friend in that social network) he, like many other guys before him, have fallen for my beautiful friend. jealousy and pain is understandable, but relief?

i guess relief is the wrong word, but it is a popular theory that majority of guys would always go for "the looks". now i'm not saying my friend is ugly inside, in fact she's really wonderful inside and out. it's just that my ideal guy would not be attracted with "the looks", but rather with what's inside a woman. however, it seems that he's like the rest of them. he fills up the majority. and for that, i'm somewhat relieved because i have finally found a way to turn my feelings 'off'.

if the libran is relieved, then what's with the pain and jealousy? i'm jealous because in the back of my head, i wished that it was me. but it wasn't me, it was my friend. i'm jealous because i'm not beautiful. and maybe it's just me having trouble accepting who i am, but that's just so me. i'm insecure, and that's what makes me jealous.

pain - it's painful because i let it get too far. though i hate to admit it, i've already invested too much. it's something that i'm very adamant about. i kept saying that i don't want to waste my time investing on something that would not be profitable for me. but as a typical libran, i want ahead and disregarded my own rule. very good . it's simply painful because i was hurt. i am hurt. is it any wonder why i'm writing this entry?

i wish that i could say it's over. i wish that i could somehow be strong enough to turn the switch off. i wish that i could be healed by tomorrow. but only 1% of wishes come true.

tonight i'll go to sleep with thoughts that tomorrow would be different.

"if i squeeze my heart out like a sponge, would it turn dry as well? would you join the juices and suds that flow away from it? or would you remain, like the bacteria that proliferates the sponge?" - cesiaj.moi

self-preservation

he's married. that's the first thought that entered my mind when i saw a picture of a man, child and woman on a social networking site that i searched. he's married.

at first it didn't sink in. and then i was way above my senses. way above everything else. i don't know if it's pain, or i'm simply relieved that i have finally uncovered the mystery that was him.

many things happened today. many things to write about. today, i found his name. today, i met his wife and daughter. today, i was not able to work because i was busy conjuring a dream. today, i said goodbye to the feelings that i carried for more than a month. today, i decided to visit my blog and tell my story.

i do not know if i am sad. my thought processes is currently updating (which means systems are down at the moment, kindly get back later). all i know is there is this void, this emptiness. it's like i'm trying to recall the days, the hours that passed, and i'm starting to wonder why i began to like him in the first place. but still no pain came, and heartache is out of the question. a friend said it's not normal - i told her it was my defense mechanism to preserve me from hurting. maybe it is... or maybe, i just fantasized about something that's not real.

if it's not real, then i guess it's true what they say: it's really hard to believe, when you know that in the middle of it is a lie. if what i felt wasn't real, then what is? if what i felt wasn't real, then it must mean that i have been sleepwalking this past month. i haven't been awake at all. only now, when it's over. ###

elevator: falling for a stranger

and there he is again. my paranoia makes me think about ludicrous stuff lately. but then again, why should i complain? for the first time in ages, i'm inspired to work. imagine that?!

though i'm mostly daydreaming in my cubicle, it's a huge improvement. i never really liked to go to work, but because of him, i render 2 hours overtime every single day. ok so maybe the overtime is not purely because of him (i really need the extra pay), but still.

***

i heard his voice for the first time today. i've been stalking him for the past week and i hope he's dumb enough to not notice. it's like having a schoolgirl crush once more: me and my accomplice waiting for him to take the elevator on his way home. me and my accomplice riding the elevator with him and his friend. me, not even looking at him. me, hearing his voice for the first time. me listening to each and every word he said to his friend. me, laughing my ass off along the streets of the city with my accomplice, while walking with my new shoes which are extremely painful and almost killed my toes. me, addicted. me, in love?

no. it's a complication that i just can't take. who am i anyway? i don't think he even knows i exist. unless of course he already realized that there's a "love sick" fool following his every move whenever she gets the chance. oh God i hope not.

is he married? is he seeing anyone? is he gay? i don't have a clue. i don't know why i like him. maybe because i'm looking for a distraction from my boring life? maybe because i needed an oasis in the middle of my desert? maybe because i found the... one? stop it!

i can't. it just keeps on flowing. i've got a stranger lingering in my lips and i can't shake him off from my memory, vague as he is in there. this will pass. hopefully tomorrow. but that would be a devastation.

i can't deny the need for a heart jumpstart. my blood is pulsing with inspiration. my mind is clouded with thoughts of him. my senses are obsessed with his wholeness. my fingers are itching to keep on talking about him. my need is to know him and probably solve the mystery that has been plaguing me for days.

i need to breathe. but sometimes the cloudy skies can be so compelling, that i just forget what i'm breathing for. it's too early to predict anything. but before this schoolgirl crush gets out of hand, may i just whisper my wish to the heavens?: i wish he likes me too. i wish he does something about it. ###

"i kept shouting an unknown name in my mind; it grew so often that i almost tasted his flavor; it became malignant and swallowed me whole; bottomline, i became a shadow once again." - cesiaj.moi

don't let me go

reality bites hard and it's painful. i thought i've grown used to it, but sometimes it feels like a million blocks of rubick's dropped from the sky straight to my head. no complaints though, for complaints are for normal humans. needless to say that i'm not.

death to hopelessness! do away with desolation! kill the anti-life! my courage will win in the end, they'll see. we'll see.

un-sober as usual, i'm stuck yet again with nothing to say but random ranting of a libran lunatic. aaahhh.. but here's one though: there is this guy. i only get to look at him via my peripheral vision. i only get to see him for about 20-40 minutes a day, only during weekdays, and not even today, which made me a little sad.

it's quite funny, because i've had this sort of crush on him for more than 2 weeks now, and he's just on the other side of the office floor, but i do not know his name. as luck would have it, we don't have any friends in common as well.

here i go again. be still, my heart. you don't even know what kind of man he is. i wish i could stop feeling these complicated feelings, because they're totally uselesss. all they do is ransack my already addled brain, causing me to stop working and start daydreaming. bad bad bad.

get your head in the game and stop this nonsense at once, my mind shouts. it's been a long time since you were inspired like this, just sit and enjoy the ride, says my soul. if you were me, to whom would you listen to? ###

"sound can only be as loud as the ear can hear, heart can only beat as fast as senses run." - cesiaj.moi

one morning with a nice warm cup of booze

friday dawned and i'm late for work as usual. like most fridays, i felt happy again. but last friday, i was marginally happier than i was on a regular friday shift. there's something else to look forward to.

friday night found me at the mall, strolling and killing time. my bag is packed and i'm so ready to go... go back to the place where my life began.

the weekend passed by in a blur. it was rainy all throughout, but the gloom that settled around the city of pines only reminded me of bliss. it was a time for a delicious cup of booze, and a bundle of stories in between. every second counted once again. and the world was filled with nothing but joy.

so far, so good. and then it was over. back to the real world, and i found myself being pushed away into the dark monstrous sea of "home" again. it's sad to go, but as i've said time and again, this is my choice.

what would i give for that one wasted moment in my life, where i knew that i lived again. how much do i have to pay to come back to that place and breath freely for just one more time.

the price of comfort is becoming burdensome. i just hope i learn how to get past it. i just hope i could find my sanctuary here. ###

i love ΠΣΔ . STRIKE!

fascinated

i'm a clown for being nostalgic. but that's the way i am. tried to keep moving from one moment to the next, but still stuck with a vivid memory of some distant past i just can't forego.

the careless laughters, the truthfulness behind each smile. the sincerity of every action. the youthful hope for tomorrow, may it be bright or not. it was all there. there in that not so distant past that i've been trying to let go.

the bitterweet feeling of remembering the glorious days is sickening. but the choice was mine to make in the first place. i chose to remember. i chose not to move on. because moving on would mean growing old. and growing old would lead to a personal death that i'm not yet willing to succumb to.

i chose to suffer to continue the spark that was passed onto me by people before me. people who had in their turn, experienced that same distant past.

the flame of hope remains as long as there are those of us who remember. it may not be as shining as the shining of the darkest shadows of despair, but it's a start. always a start. no tomorrow will be lost as long as the flame of hope remains. no youth will be wasted. no life will be taken for granted. #

"the loudest sound that a loner could hear is silence." - cesiaj.moi

shit happens now

this once, disregard the date of posting. internet connection gone bad these past few days, but it's been fixed. life goes on.

8 june 2009 (monday), 2351hrs

first off, my internet connection’s busted. i barely have enough money left in my wallet, and when i tried to compute my budget for the days to come, all i have ever accomplished is to get myself a very excruciating headache. i’m tired from work and i’m tired of all the extra-curriculars that i’ve been doing lately. These are the days that i feel like the world has turned into one stinking shit, with me drowning in it.

so when will this end? nobody knows. nobody cares. all i know now is that my sleepy mind’s taking over my frustrated senses, and that i need to hit the sack sooner than later. tomorrow’s a new day. i’ll be the same jaded person. the world will still be filled with shit. #

“what’s the sense of making sense of your situation, when you’re so determined to remain as you are?” – cesiaj.moi